Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
