i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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