i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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