Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
