just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
