Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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