It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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