I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
