After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
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Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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