FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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