i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
