I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
