i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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