So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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