I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
