No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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