There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I want to have your abortion
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the condom got lost in my hair
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
