He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
