Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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