Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
