Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.