when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
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... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
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Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.