the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
