Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.