Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
