My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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