Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
