Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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