I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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