So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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