She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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