I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
