How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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