Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
