I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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