just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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