Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
