He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
