Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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