The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
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I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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