.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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