May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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