I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
