If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
