There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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