I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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