my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
