We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
