Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
