it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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