I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
