Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Randomize
