I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize