Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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