Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
