Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
