I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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