How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
