I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
