That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
