My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
