I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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